Fruits Bowl
by Oscar and Ruby
Summary: Our slightly demented ramblings on what would occur were the naruto cast fruit. Obviously AU


Disclaimer: Sadly, we own not Naruto, its characters, or their attributes.

Fruits Bowl

It seemed to be but a typical day for the members of the Konoha household, however, unbeknownst to the, for the most part, cheerfully frolicking inhabitants of the fruit bowl, apocalyptic change was lurking, preparing to pounce.

While a lethargic pineapple slumbered on the rim of the bowl, an angsty tomato concocted plans of revenge, mumbling incoherently at sporadic intervals. From afar, a schizophrenic strawberry, headstrong lemon, and hesitant apple sighed over their respective crushes. The latter of the three blushed ferociously at the sight of a hyperactive orange attempting to ambush her unfortunate cousin. The stoic plum, however, remained unruffled, as per usual, by these kamikaze attempts.

A door slammed in the distance, footsteps drew near, and a heavy plastic bag was dumped on the counter. A glowering aubergine emerged, radiant in his purpleness (causing the plum to shrivel slightly in envy), and was mistakenly deposited amongst the fruit. At once, the lemon and the strawberry leapt upon this newcomer, this paragon of manliness, this shining example of devilish good looks. Noticing this disturbance in the force, the tomato looked up from his brooding and gasped at the sight of his estranged older brother.

Convinced that the time for revenge was neigh, he leapt towards the aubergine, only to be swept aside by the gathering horde of fangirls. Undeterred, he pushed his way to the fore of the throng, pinned him with a steely glare, and began his well rehearsed soliloquy, expounding on the vast multitude of reasons for the hatred borne towards him. Reaching the climax of his monologue, he gestured in ever-expanding sweeps, and through a stroke of luck, achieved a glancing blow upon the brow of his brother. With a stunned cry, the aubergine tipped back, as if in slow motion, and fell to the depths of the kitchen floor, landing with a resounding splat.

An amazed silence descended upon the bowl, as the stupefied tomato peered over the edge of the bench at the gruesome sight below, and the fangirls dispersed to mourn the loss of the object of their adoration. The shell-shocked tomato, dismayed at both the manner of his brother's death and, more importantly, the interruption of his speech, relocated to his corner, to mope and brood once more, albeit with a lot more sporadic mumbling and cursing.

Furtively attempting to disguise his actions behind the wailing of the late aubergines fangirls, a comfortably large water mellon sidled up to his still sleeping best friend. Succumbing to his hunger, mouth watering in anticipation, he raised one of the leaves towards his eagerly awaiting maw. He halted in surprise, however, at the sight of an obviously furious lemon racing towards him, who promptly proceeded to put him in a somewhat comatose state.

Suddenly, the floor began to tremble with the unmistakable weight of human footsteps approaching the bench. All able bodied fruit attempted to look as unappealing as possible, displaying as many bruises and blemishes as they could. A giant hand began to hover over the bowl, passing first over an apple, who began to tremble, then a strawberry, who squeaked slightly. Finally, it stopped, casting a large shadow over the unfortunately incapacitated water mellon. His look of petrified horror was the last they ever saw of the poor fruit.

Once the shadow had passed, the remaining fruits congregated, berating the cruel twist of fate which had lead to this sudden loss. A royal purple visage could be heard quoting destiny, while a shell-shocked pineapple was offered gentle words of comfort and soft sobs issued from the lemon. Searching for solace, she espied a certain phlegmatic plum, who seemed stable in this time of mayhem and grief. Eagerly edging towards him, she cunningly arranged her face into an expression of loss and sorrow, while of course maintaining her natural standard of impeccable beauty.

Noticing that a large object was approaching him at rapid speeds, the plum was shocked and horrified to see that it was a rabid lemon. Following the correct protocol for situations such as these, he ran for his life. Unfortunately, his escape efforts were hampered by the lemon, who threw herself at him persistently, attempting to capture him in a well timed glomp. Striving to save his skin from yet another tackle, he threw himself backwards, displaying a previously unseen level of flexibility and prowess, executing a perfect quadruple backflip.

Regrettably he had failed to notice that his actions were placing him nearer and nearer to the edge of the bench, and with one final leap he accidentally catapulted himself off into the abyss. Fate, however, had other plans, and his imminent death was interrupted by a conveniently placed trash can. A moment later, from beneath some slightly wilted lettuce leaves, muffled curses could be heard.

The remaining fruits began to formulate a plan to rescue their fallen comrade, however these were quickly cut short when one of the Konoha children came and removed the rubbish to put it outside for collection. Tragedy had yet again claimed one of their own, and the residents of the fruit bowl were, for the most part, somber and dismayed. Blaming herself for the loss everyone was now facing, the lemon choked back tears, composed an eloquent message of farewell, and threw herself into the now empty trash can, hoping that she could possibly find the plum yet again, and 'apologize'.

The pineapple, having now lost both of his closest friends, had sunk even deeper into depression, and proceeded to hide himself in one of the kitchen cabinets, with a silent measuring jug and stolid stack of plates for company.

Noticing the somber mood of his remaining three bowl-mates, the zestful orange attempted to cheer them up with his hilarious antics, which, of course, failed miserably. Not to be deterred, he persevered in his efforts, this time succeeding only in infuriating the morose strawberry, who promptly stormed off in search of the tomato.

Said tomato, who had always been a tad spoilt from the offset, had been left to fester in his own malignant juices for far too long, and had thus become rotten. Stumbling across his decaying carcass, the strawberry's infuriation quickly turned to horror, and then unspeakable grief. She flung herself across his lifeless body, lamenting life's spiteful and vindictive nature. Wiping away her tears of pain at her unrequited love, the heartbroken strawberry impaled herself upon a nearby kitchen utensil.

Clueless to this unfolding tragedy, the orange and apple happened to find themselves quite alone, without the disapproving glare of the latter's cousin hovering in the background, or the interruptions of others. Blushing ferociously, the apple attempted to make some stuttered conversation, the orange clueless to her affections towards him. Then, realizing that life, especially for a fruit, is but fleeting, she cast aside all her inhibitions and common sense, and flung herself at him. Surprised by this sudden and unexpected action, the orange was slammed into the rim of the bowl. Abruptly, fully realizing the situation she had placed herself in, the apple became overwhelmed and just as suddenly, fainted.

When, sometime later, she awoke, her exuberant crush was no more.

Hearing a demented howl of anguish, the pineapple emerged from his cabinet, and blanched at the sight before him. He was assaulted by a view of the fermenting remains of a tomato, the impaled form of a strawberry, and a chilled glass of orange juice, all covered in what seemed to be the aftermath of an exploded apple.

The disturbed pineapple promptly retreated back into his cabinet.

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A/N: Dearly beloved readers, you have now finished our first masterpiece, if we do say so ourselves. Feel free to leave a review, they would be greatly appreciated, as would be any constructive criticism (no flames please!). Do try and be kind, as we are still new to this whole fanfic thing,

Ta very muchly,

Oscar and Ruby ^^


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